


The Misadventures of the Newest Deputy

by Trash4VillainousMen



Category: Far Cry (Video Games), Far Cry 5
Genre: Because The Dep Ain't, Dead Peggies everywhere, Don't Think Too Seriously, Dutch and Rook are friends, Dutch has a potty mouth!, Dutch is cool, F/M, I swear this is a horror movie, I think he an idiot but whateva, Marshall isn't Nice, Multi, Sharky Loves Fire, Swearing, The Father Disapproves, The Seed's Would Regret This, The Seeds Think They Are In a Relationship with the Deputy, This Rook loves Cats!, This is what my sarcastic self would do in this situation, crack!fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2019-06-01
Packaged: 2019-10-01 14:39:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17246000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trash4VillainousMen/pseuds/Trash4VillainousMen
Summary: Just a bunch of One-Shots or Snippets of scenes throughout the game and if I was allowed to speak to those Seed Brothers (And I guess Sister?), my Rook would have some snarky comments sent their way!





	1. The First Meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a crack!fic. Like...legit. You have been warned. I am here to make you laugh. :)

The Newest Deputy of Hope County was sitting in a helicopter going into the dark depths of Montana into the compound of the one and only Joseph Seed and his ‘cult.’

‘ _That doesn’t sound ominous what-so-ever_.’ Rook thought. ‘ _No way going into a cult compound with a crazy leader that is known to poke people’s eyes out at three in the morning will result in no trouble. Nope. None. Nada. Everything will be peachy, and I can go home then go to bed…Not.’_

Next thing she knows, Pratt, the lovely guy that named her Probie, ‘ _Dickhead_.’ Landed the Chopper in the compound which was surrounded by a lot of people in white sweats that looked like they haven’t bathed in ages, ‘ _Ew. Gross._ ’ and were armed to the teeth with guns and, ‘ _Is that one guy holding a spiked bat?!_ _They are not going to cause any trouble what-so-ever….My ass_.’

The next minute before getting to the church was her trying to avoid most of the ‘Peggies' and their scorn. Rook gets there in one piece, somehow, and Whitehorse opens the doors to the church. She walks in and glances up towards the front of the building to see that a man is preaching about something underneath the light. ' _You don't fool me, Preacher dude. I see those horns you are hiding._ ' Rook didn’t care to listen to what he was preaching about like he was on about some locusts and gardens. She was forced to come here and be a productive Deputy. ' _Bah!_ '

Meanwhile, during her inner monologue, Joseph Seed was telling his congregation that God wouldn’t let them, 'the sinners', take him.

‘ _Yay foreshadowing…how original._ ’ Her eyes landed on ‘the Father.’ He was wearing yellow-tinted sunglasses, was shirtless, and had a bunch of tattoos. Some of those tattoos looked suspiciously carved instead of tattoo'ed though. Rook saw Joseph raise his hands out towards her and was about to say something, but the man beside her overshadowed it.

“Cuff this son-of-a-bitch, Rookie.” Rook heard from Marshall Burke. Rook turned her head towards him with a frown on her face.

' _Why are you making the Rookie cuff him?_ ' She inwardly questioned. ' _Isn't the Sheriff or I don't know, the Marshall supposed to do that?!_ ' Rook sends a glare his way.

“Are you even listening?” Burke sneered at her. Rook raised her eyebrow at him.

“Yeah, I stopped listening after this looney said something Greed and what not. It was kind of boring I heard it all before.” Joseph looks at Rook with confusion plastered on his face while Whitehorse gives Rook a stare to shut it. “What? You wanted to truth. So you got the truth.” Someone snickered behind Joseph. Rook didn't know which sibling did it, but she sent a glare their way as well.

“Also, I am not touching him even with a ten-foot pole.” The Marshall was about to speak until the Rook interrupted him. “Uh, do you not see the creepy three back there?”

Rook points behind Joseph. The creepy three she was talking about were Jacob, John, and Faith Seed. The two men looked curiously at her while Faith smiles sweetly at Rook.

“They scream ‘ _try to cuff him, and you die’_ to me because the one with the red hair looks like he could snap me in two, the one with sunglasses on top of his head, which come on, looks like he wants to stab a screwdriver in me and the other one...She is too happy for a person at three in the morning. So you can cuff him yourself, Marshall! 'Cuz, I am not dying today!”

Rook then swirls around towards Joseph and points at him. Her finger aimed at his sunglasses.

“By the way, what kind of man wears sunglasses in a building?! And at night?!" She then points at his chest. "And what kind of Pastor preaches without a shirt on and at three in the morning?! What is wrong with you?!” Rook thinks about it for a second. "On second thought, don't answer that."

Joseph stays silent. His brother John, on the other hand, was about to protest. "No one asked the peanut gallery!" Rook snarks before looking over her shoulder at Burke. "And you! Why in the blazes are we arresting someone at three in the morning?!”

Before Burke says anything, Rook walks out of the building snarling at anything that moves towards her. Burke and Whitehorse share a look before the older man shrugs and guides Joseph out of the church towards disaster. Because you know, _foreshadowing_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am actually writing a real fic about this fandom so don't worry but I needed to let my sarcastic side out. Like those Seed's open the door and damn, if I don't walk into it.


	2. The Highway to Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Marshall decides to take a detour resulting in disaster for the Rook.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dude, this is fun. Also, I didn't think this story would get a lot of likes, kudos, or general interest in this. LOL! This chapter is just filler before I mess with Dutch. *insert evil laughter here*

The first thing Rook notices when she wakes up is upside down Marshall, fire surrounding her, and someone is creepily singing ‘Amazing Grace’ in the background. She is highly suspicious that it is Joseph Seed, the wannabe Preacher dude, singing that hymn.

‘ _Oh goody, I am in a horror film._ ’

She glances over to the side and sees the headset dangling in front of her like a beacon in the night. Nancy was speaking out of the headset asking for anyone to respond. Rook tries to swing back and forth to grab it.

‘ _I feel like something bad is going to happen when I do reach this. Like some jump scare about to happen…_ ’

As she feels the headset within the palm of her hand, another hand comes out of nowhere and grabs hold of her wrist to stop her from bringing it towards her.

‘ _I knew it!_ ’

Rook glances from the hand to see Joseph Seed staring at her and eerily singing at her. She remains silent while he removes her hand from the headset. Nancy is still talking on in the background asking for anyone to answer. Rook then proceeds to glare at him when he casual says something about God and turns the headset towards him to speak to Nancy.

‘ _Fucking Nancy._ ’ Rook seethes within her mind.

“No one is going to save you.”

“You haven’t met my mother then.” Rook replies back quickly.

He looks at her for a moment before stepping outside of the helicopter towards his flock. Rook follows his form to see him standing on top of a car and talking about killing people that are in their way. ‘ _Well, that escalated quickly…_ ’

“Begin the Reaping!”

‘ _Oh shit, I knew I was in a horror film!_ ’ Rook thinks while struggling to get out of the seatbelt. Oddly, she can get away to run off into the woods away from a certain crazy madman but unlike the other one…this one doesn’t have a box.

___

While sneaking away from the Peggies, Rook overhears the Marshall on the walkie-talkie asking if anyone else is around and to come to the trailer.

‘ _Well, at least they know where to find us now, Dumbass!_ ’

Rook gets to the trailer that the Marshall is hold up in. She had to track through woods, a cabin, and Peggies (or _dead_ Peggies..hehe..) To get there. But she is there, in one piece, for the moment. Rook goes up to the door and opens it to find the Marshall grabbing her.

“Hey!” She pulls his hands off of her.

“Jesus Christ, Rook…I’m sorry.”

‘ _I bet you aren’t…_ ’ Rook glares at him. ‘ _Butt munch_.’

“I thought they got you…”

‘ _Of course, you did, you didn't think about that because you didn’t stay behind to make sure everyone was okay! Asshole!_ ’ She thinks to herself with a frown on her face. He asks her to follow him and to look at the rooms. Rook notices that each room as pictures of the Seed family and especially one Joseph Seed. ‘ _Nothing weird about having a bunch of family photos in a whole house where the family doesn’t live at…Nothing stalkerish about this. At all_.’

Burke goes on to say how he didn’t have any idea about this whole fiasco. Rook then proceeds to watch him rage against the Seed family by taking down a photo and slamming it on the table.

‘ _Real mature there, dick…_ ’

The Marshall then goes over to a wall where there is a gun hanging. He keeps spouting out more nonsense about arming themselves and leaving this county. The Rook proceeds to ignore his dialogue until she hears noises and voices coming from outside.

“Oh…shhh!”

“ _Oh, you are surprised that they are here? I mean it wasn’t like you announced your location over a broadcast radio system that everyone can hear you on…Oh, wait…_ ” Rook sarcastically thinks over to the Marshall. She grabs the gun and starts shooting at every Peggie in sight.

A few dead bodies later, the Marshall jumps out of a window. ( _Smart move there, buster._ ) He looks to find the keys to the truck that is parked outside and jumps in calling for her to get in as well.

‘ _Oh let me walk over there…as I am getting shot at!!!_ ’

The Rook runs over to the truck and the next few minutes are of her shooting, throwing dynamite, and cursing at all Peggies within her sight. ‘ _I feel like this is going to end horribly…_ ’As that thought passed, she heard an airplane behind them. ‘ _They have an airplane?! How the heck did they get an airplane?! I want an airplane!_ ’ But, this caused the idiot Marshall to pile-drive straight into the river.

Rook swims away and winds up on a shore not too far away from the Marshall. As she starts to black out, she overhears him griping about being the U.S. Marshall and not to touch him. ‘ _Good riddance…Idiot._ ’ The Rook then looks over to see a blacked-out figure in front of her. Before passing out, she thinks, ‘ _Don’t be a creepy serial killer…_ ’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, the Marshall is an idiot. I could have gotten away if it wasn't for that idiot Marshall!
> 
> Also if anyone gets the Doctor Who reference. Thanks.


	3. Meeting Dutch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rook meets Dutch, the Bunker Master.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - Dutch's potty mouth. *gasps*
> 
> Disclaimer - I own nothing except for a copy of Far Cry 5 and the two statues I bought of Joseph Seed. Like legit.

Rook wakes up to find some old guy fiddling with an old radio with Joseph Seed spouting out gibberish again. ‘ _Ugh, can we like…not?_ ’ The man switches off the radio and turns towards her. ‘ _Please, don’t be a serial killer…please, don’t be a serial killer…_ ’ Rook silently prays to herself.

“You know what that shit means?”

“No, sorry. I don’t speak crazy.”

The man ignores her comment and continues his speech. “It means the roads have all been closed.” He gets closer to her. “It means all of the phone lines have been cut.” He sits in the chair stationed in front of her. “It means there’s no signals’ getting in or out of this valley.”

‘ _Good thing my mother doesn’t expect me to call anytime soon. I would hate to miss any of those calls…_ ’ Rook shakes in fear. Momma Rook was not to be messed with under any circumstances.

“But mostly, it means we’re all fucked.” At this point, Rook loses interest in the conversation. He was talking about how the Seeds were talking about the ‘Collapse’ and the end of the war…and blah, blah. “Waiting for someone to come along and fulfill their prophecy and kick off their goddamn Holy War.”

‘ _Wow, that person must be a huge dick…oh, wait…_ ’

“Well, you sure as shit kicked.”

‘ _Thought so. Blame the newbie! I just wanted to stay at home and sleep but nooooo…Those Seeds ruined everything!_ ’

“The smartest thing for me to do would just to hand you over.” He almost whispers to himself.

Rook looks up at him. “Yeah…I sure love being flayed alive and shot to death.” She snarls up at the man, who currently has her restrained to the bed with her hands bound with a zip tie.

The man blankly stares at her and shakes his head. “Fuck.” He gets up from his chair and pulls out his pocket knife.

‘ _Well, this is the end of me. The newbie killed by a crazy bunker guy…_ ’He then cut the zip tie and Rook was able to move her hands freely. ‘ _Well, that was unexpected._ ’

“Get out of that uniform. We need to burn it.”

“Oooh, are we going to fake my death?” Rook coos. “I never faked my death before!” She says excitedly.

The man rolls his eyes at the young Deputy. “For the time being. There are some fresh clothes there. When you get changed, you come and see me. We’ll see if we can un-fuck this situation.”

The man leaves Rook alone in the room. ‘ _I don’t think there is a way to ‘ **un-fuck** ’ this situation, old man._’

___

“So…they are called the Resistance, huh?” Rook casually says to Dutch, who introduced as himself earlier, in the bunker. He stops fiddling with the radio and gives her a strange look. “Are we in Star Wars? Because I want to be General Leia. She is such a badass.”

Dutch scoffs. “We are in reality here Rook, not fantasy land.”

Rook pretends to be offended. “How dare you speak against such a masterpiece?! Have you no shame?!” She puts her hand over her mouth like she is scandalized by such a notion.

Dutch rolls his eyes. “Sarcastic smartass.”

Rook winks at him. “But of course.”

___

Next thing she knows, she is climbing up a tower to help boost the radio signal and help get in contact with the rest of the _Resistance_. ‘ _Still Stars Wars, if you ask me…_ ’ Rook brings up her radio to her lips.

“I want you to know Dutch; if I die…it’s your fault.”

“Don’t worry; I ain’t gonna make you crawl up towers all over the county.”

“Still it is your fault if I die because I fell off this thing.” A shiver goes straight down her spine. ‘ _Don’t look down…Don’t look down…_ ’ She chants the mantra within her mind as the Rook scales the tower as she tries not to look down.

___

Rook is in the bunker with Dutch when John Seed makes his _sparkling_ debut. After a minute of him talking about sin and yadda yadda, she picks up the remote to try and change the channel. Which surprisingly (not), it is the same John Seed still talking about atonement and sin. She stops caring at this point and sighs melodramatically.

Dutch looks over at her curiously.

“What? It was like those late night infomercials. Fake, cheesy, and boring to watch.”

Next thing, the camera pans over to show Deputy Hudson sporting a few cuts and bruises with John Seed taunting beside her.

“Well,…I guess it was a good thing I didn’t turn off the TV,” Rook says to Dutch. “Because now, I am going to punch him. In that smug, beautiful face of his.”

Dutch raises an eyebrow. Rook shrugs.

“I can admit he has a beautiful face. It won’t be for long though…especially when I punch it…repeatedly.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would be friends with Dutch.  
> Also, I have vertigo…it sucks. I can’t even go downstairs (or elevators, or escalators…) without have issues. So that tower would have given me real issues...Bleh.


	4. A New Feline Friend!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rook makes some new friends!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beginning Notes: So my Old USB drive got corrupted not once but twice so I lost everything on there. Twice. That is why I haven’t updated in a while. So sorry about that! Also, I have been getting my migraines and back pain again! Yay me! (*sarcasm*) 
> 
> Btw, I always start my campaigns off this way. LOL!
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing except these beautiful Joseph Statues. <3dit
> 
> Edit (5/21/2019): edited and polished this chapter some more

Once Rook was out of Dutch’s bunker, the first thing she did was open her map. Dutch had marked unique locations on the map for her. He must have known she was looking at the map because His voice called over the radio on her hip, talking to her about each location. 

“It feels like I am in some kind of videogame here, Dutchman…”

Rook heard grumbling in the background of the radio. “Rook, try to stick to reality here.”

“Bah. Reality sucks, Dutchman.”

A sigh could be heard over the radio. “My recommendation would be to go to Fall’s End first then help my niece, Jess and rescue the others along the way.”

Rook looked at the map again. “Fall’s End is in John’s region, right?”

A snort was heard over the radio. “Yes, Rook. The Holland Valley is his territory.”

Rook had an evil gleam in her eye at this information. “Good. Good.”

\---

The first thing Rook did when she was finally off of Dutch’s island was that she was going to make some new friends within Hope County. She veered into the section of Faith’s Region, the Henbane River, and she hears Dutch over the radio warning her about the effects of Faith’s Region.

Her ear’s perk up at his warnings about bliss and flowers. How Faith can control people through these effects from the bliss.

“Now I get to deal with drugged-crazed hippies? Ugh…” She groans.

Dutch hears her groans and warns her once more. “Be careful other there. They are dangerous, Rook.”

“Okay, thanks, Dutchman.”

“Dutch out.”

___

 

While Rook was driving around, she overheard an older lady by the name of Miss Mable that she needed help locating her kitty.

  _'Oh boy, another crazy cat lady who lost her cat in a tree, no doubt._ '

Rook steers off to the Peaches' Taxidermy and follows the directions on the map. She pulls in her truck in front of the building and sees a black-haired older lady with a purple shirt on. 'Must be her.' Rook thinks because she is the only person Rook has seen in miles if you don't count the Peggies…or the dead Peggies at least. ' _Heh. Heh. Take that Joseph Seed!_ '

Miss Mable starts berating her the moment the Rookie Cop is in her sight. ' _Ugggghhhh,  yay. Just what I needed today was more yelling_.' Miss Mable tells her to go get her kitty, Peaches and that she will only come for her cat treats which are near her pen.

Once Rook grabs the kitty treats, ' _Huh that is a big cage for a cat..._ ', she starts going down the direction that Peaches was last seen. Rook goes down the path when she keeps stumbling upon blood smears on the ground and a lot of dead hunters. _'I don't think this is an ordinary house cat. Oh, I didn't sign up for this!_ ' She thinks.

Rook starts hearing noises and voices a few feet ahead of her, so she crouches in the bushes to see Peggies and one with a Flamethrower. She aims her gun at the Flamethrower and right before she shoots, a cougar comes out of nowhere and bites at his throat. ' _Oh my, you saved me a bullet, cougar._ '

Rook helps the cougar with taking down the Peggies in the area. Once all of the white-sweatpants Peggies are down, the Rook looks over at the cougar munching on a dead body. She slowly goes up to the cougar to notice a red collar around the neck. ' _Oh, this is the kitty, Peaches!_ '

Rook groans and face-palms herself. "Of course, that awful old lady wouldn't say she had a cougar as a pet!" She pulls the treats from her pocket and shakes the bag. Peaches turned her head towards Rook and came closer to the rookie.

Rook holds out a treat for the cougar, and Peaches comes even closer. She sniffs the treat in Rook's hand and quickly snatches it. This gives Rook an idea, and she starts walking back up the trail towards the Taxidermy place. She shakes the bag and throws a treat out to get the cougar's attention.

Once she is near the place, Rook notices a bunch of trucks in front of the buildings. She crouches so she can remain hidden from sight. Rook overhears the Peggies wanting to kill 'that cougar' because it is killing off their men. Rook glares at them and pulls out her gun. No one was going to hurt any animal while she is around!

Rook looked over at the crouching cougar to see that the cat was way ahead of her sneaking behind one of the Peggies. The Rook smiled and got up from her hiding spot. Once Peaches was spotted, Rook came in guns a blazing and shooting at all of the Peggies that would dare harm Peaches. "Eat lead, Pegs!"

Once the fight was over, Miss Mable comes over to the Rook and berates her some more. "You can keep her!" Miss Mable screams out at Rook while the old lady goes back inside the building. Rook stares down at Peaches while the cat looks up at her. Rook reaches down and pets Peaches. The cougar purrs at the affection. "Oh, I love you so much!" Peaches continue purring and of course, lapping up all of the attention that Rook was giving her. "Yes, I do!"

Once Rook petted Peaches once more then brought out her map to search for the next place to go too. ' _Hmm, that trailer park looks interesting_.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always get Peaches first. I am a cat person so when I found out that I could have a feline companion, I ran towards that mission like the cat lady that I am! LOL!  
> Next should be Sharky. He is the next favorite! <3


	5. A New Friendship that Burns Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Rookie meets a new friend! Burn, Baby Burn~!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh, sorry I have been out with my back problems but I have been working with a Physical Therapist for the last two months. Good news, I am done with them so I can come back to writing!
> 
> Disclaimer: I only own my soul at this point…if I don’t exchange it for a Klondike bar first.

Rook drives over to the Moonflower Trailer Park with Peaches in the back of her truck lazing around. In the distance, Rook sees a man on top of a trailer playing with a flamethrower. ‘ _That seems dangerous with so much wood around_.’ She parks on the outskirts, hidden from view because Peggies love to destroy her stuff, of the Trailer Park and leaves Peaches in the truck.

“Okay Peaches, I want you to stay here. A crazy guy is using a flamethrower, and I don’t want you to get accidentally scorched.” Peaches just lazily stare at her for a moment before she puts her head back down to take a nap. ‘ _Just like any other cat._ ’

Rook walks into the fortified ‘town.’  Most of the trailers were boarded up, and for some reason, there was a school bus full of ammunition in the middle of the Park. ‘ _Oh goody, just another crazy resident, this is what I needed for my day to be complete!_ ’ She sighs until she notices the man.

The man greets her when she comes into view. “Hey, there, Po-Po!” He waves at her.

Rook’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. “How do you know that I am with the Police Force?”

The man looks her over. “You have the look.” Like this statement explained everything.

Rook raises her eyebrow, but in the end, she goes with it. One of her old bosses used to say, *‘ _You don’t fight with crazy._ ’

__

After a proper introduction that didn’t require fire or flamethrowers, ‘ _Sharky_ ’ asked Rook to help with his mission on burning down the Angels of Faith’s.

“So, you want me to turn on all of the radios, so a bunch of drugged out people can come running towards us with a bunch of weapons to try and kill us?”

“Yep.”

“Well, if that doesn’t sound fun, then I don’t know what is.” She shrugs. 

__

After the many ‘Angels’ that came and the broken radio system, Rook was worn out. She was on top of one of the trailers and glancing down at the many bodies that littered the ground. ‘ _So this is what happens when you use too much Bliss._ ’ It made Rook shiver in disgust and rage.

Sharky was fiddling with a shotgun that he had beside him. Rook looks over at him.

“You are my new best friend, Sharky.”

He looks over at her with the biggest grin on his face as he holsters his shotgun. “Woo-hoo!” Sharky jumps in the air in excitement.  His excitement helped Rook with her mood, and she chuckles at his child-like enthusiasm.

“Alright, let’s head out to Fall’s End!” 

“Errrr, about that Dep…I kinda got in trouble last time I was there…”

Rook sighs. ‘ _Of course, he would be a trouble-maker where ever he goes as he loves to start and set fires everywhere_.’ 

__

Rook is in the driver seat with Sharky in the passenger seat while Peaches is in the back relaxing in the backseat of the truck. They are in her vehicle driving along and going towards Fall’s End when Sharky nervously interrupts.

“Uh, Dep?”

Rook looks over at the man in the passenger seat with a serene expression on her face. “Yes, Sharky?”

He quickly glances behind him then looks back out the front window. “You do know that you have a cougar in the backseat?”

Rook looks in the mirror and sees Peaches staring back at her. “Yep.” She acts nonchalantly about the man-eating cougar in back. 

“Oh-kay.” Sharky doesn't question it. 

__

They are on the outer edge of Fall's end. Rook has her binoculars out and looking towards the town. She saw two people being forced down on their knees by armed Peggies.

A blond haired woman was fighting, and losing her battle, in front of a building that looked like a bar. Her next point of interest was the dark-skinned man in front of an older looking church. He seemed to be calm amidst the chaos with bruises and cuts on his face.

Rook snarled and looked over at the man beside her. "Hey Sharky, do you want to create some anarchy and destruction?"

Sharky's face glows at the question. "Of course, Dep!" He loved creating chaos wherever they go.

An evil gleam appeared in the Rook's eyes as she chuckles sinisterly. "Good…Good…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Btw, my old boss used to tell me that all the time. You won’t believe how many crazies we get in the Library. I had one woman tell me that a man was stalking her through the icons on the computer.
> 
> On another note, why can’t I have Boomer or Peaches in the vehicle with me? Like…come on! They can fit! I always feel bad when I drive off and leave them behind! As well as Cheeseburger, I could put him in a van! COME ON FAR CRY!! :*(


End file.
